Some days you just wake up and the reality of never being what you always wanted to be smashes you directly in the face. What if this is it? What if what you are is all you'll ever be and you have in your head such higher expectations, dreams, goals, plans? You realize that what you are now is all you'll ever be and then you think back...you think back to the times where you thought you weren't doing so great and said to yourself "I won't be like this for ever. I won't live like this. I'll do something. I'll make a name for myself. People will know me. Whether it be my inner circle or beyond that, I will be known for something. I will live like I want to. I will do the things that will make me happy." Ten years later you find yourself worse off than you were when you were supposed to be making plan for the present. Then all of a sudden the 'someday' is here. You look around and nothing is as planned. You have nothing you thought you would have. You haven't touched the lives you thought you would have touched. You haven't made the masses laugh. You haven't made the masses think. You haven't made the masses look forward to anything. You've done nothing, but waste time. Do you blame yourself? The cliche says you do. The cliche says you get down on yourself and look for everything in your history that caused you never to reach the goals you had set for youself. You're not blaming yourself at that point. You're looking for everything else you can possibly lay the blame on. Failed relationships, deaths, money...fear. The fear of failing. The fear of letting everyone down. The fear of no laughter. The fear that the only person you've ever impressed is yourself. You wake up and realize that you're no even close to resembling the person you had in your head a decade ago. You've done nothing. You feel you are nothing. You have to conjure up the courage to let it go. You have to figure out how to see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel and hope...how you hope...that it's bright enough for you to see your way through. You take your meds. You think good things. You fake it. You try and make it. You do everything within your power to drop the reality of things back down to mere perception, but you know...you still have that dark, that blinding black spot in the back of your brain that keeps the truth hidden for and unknown amount of time...each time...you manage to fight it back...it only waits, lingers, recharges, regroups...Like an army waiting to ambush it's enemy. It sits there and spies on your thoughts, your ideas, knowing you're getting close to pulling the trigger on something big, then...it pounces. Swift and exact, it leaps forward once again, crushing the spirit that fuels your plans, but it does not kill them. It taunts you. Bats you around like a cat would a dying mouse. You think there's still hope, but is long since gone. A wolf in sheeps clothing, failure dresses up and struts around your head, 'I'm still here. I'm still here. Come get me.' You've fallen for this a hundred times before, but you can resist. You can't say no. You want it so badly. You want your life to somehow wind up like your planned...So you go for it once again. You reach out. You sprint to it. With a smile from ear to ear, heart beating with excitement, lungs grasping for air to form the words "Ha! I finally got you!" The only thing that can keep you from it is a thin black piece of fabric. You reach up, both hands, heart pounding, the world around you is taken down from 45rpm to 33rpm...thump thump...thump thump...thump thump... You rip the fabric and turn to the crowd standing in the streets waiting for you to finally make it...FINALLY!!!! You turn before you can see what was behind the cover which is not hanging from your raised fists, fists of accomplishment. Eyes closed you wait for the explosion of gratification from the people below, but you hear nothing. Silence. You open your eyes, there is no crowd, there is no accomplishment. Behind you sits something very familiar to you...You know exactly what it is, no need to turn, but you do. You have to...You have to see the thing that has once again robbed you of your life....Failure.
Then it hits you. You're a cliche. You're everything that makes up a bad movie, but your ending won't be so good. When the screen fades to black there won't be any blurb updating your viewers on the rest of your life because the rest of your life was no different than what was shown. There was no the rest of your life. There was just life. A life with no spikes, only dips. No hills, only vallies. ------------______________----------------_________________-----------------_________
You are a cliche. People hate cliches.
Thoughts on an airplane
14 years ago
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